My Mother, Myself

By: Bekah Turney

My eye grows lazy in thought.

You told me about your fear of cockroaches,

I laughed with no idea.

I sit in silence,

But everything moves,

Nothing Stops.

Covering my ears,

I scream for quiet that should be here.

That’s when I knew

Exactly what you meant.

That moment your lip curled in disgust.

They crawl on and around me,

As they did you.

And I see clearly

The chaos we consume

And learn to persevere through.

Behind the Glass

“Enjoying the Pleasures of the Night” painting by: Fabian Perez
poem by: Bekah Turney

Chumming it up with old friends,
They sit inside behind the glass,
Whiskey shots to tie loose ends.
Throwing money around
To pay their unintended tabs.

Throwing it all down,
Down the pipe, let’s raise a glass.
More for the broken hearted,
‘Cause the pain of life ain’t like a flask
We hide inside our bags.

I sit out here looking in,
Hand on the cold black tabletop,
Dark as the night that invites me in.
Loud silence.
Swelling smiles reflect off lights in your cacoon.
Refounding hearts that speak
And give no sound.

Bitter drips off of your lips
That speak for what is misconstrued.
‘Cause the soul can’t put at stake
The pain we dread to feel,
And force the beaming upward grin
To blind us from what’s real.

So I raise my watered whiskey
To sing the tune of life that tries
And pulls us to our ends.
The song of what we all endure,
The endless rattling cage,
Spilling our cups out of
Rusty cells we build
With intent to keep it hidden
In this ever spinning wheel.

Little Irene

by: Bekah Turney

Her eyes welled up with tears

And cried along-

A tune to Phoenix’ song

Of ripping away the past.

That’s what she knows

Through all her years.

Sweetness in her gaze

Beyond her age, could see

Of love’s bitter departure,

That rang familiar ripples on her

Supple cheeks.

Knowledge swarming through her veins

Of endings,

Waiting for her vague recall

Of sun to shine

And prevail

Against the constant rain.

Still Summer Nights

By: Bekah Turney

I sit alone again in the dark.

The trees are lit by a dim lit lamp.

And a soft hum of its dying light

Echoes a song of comfort-

Tales of a young girl on still summer night’s.

Molecules of the air only broken by

The gentle sound,

Of words whispered through my bones-

Waiting to be spoken,

Waiting to be unhinged.

From these desperate lips I set a bargain,

Quarreling both heart and mind.

To reach an understanding,

A balance that peace can flow and bind

These sobbing opposing ends

To meet another in kind.

My muscles shake as fatigue consumes

And devours my restless hold

Of what I should let go,

Of what I have no control.

Blisters break and knuckles crack

As the soap is lathered to it’s core.

Wash away the truth

That watches me as I wake,

Watches as I place the shell over my soul.

Alas this tale is old

And I see the young girl on her stoop

Listening to the hum of dying lights

On still summer night’s.

And ask her kindly how to find her heart again.

Cause she was free, and she was me. And

Her freedom I see within.

Now reunited with a long forgotten friend.


image by: Kostiantyn Kuznetsov

We are the Key

Why is Neutrality so frightening? I will tell you: it is the need for control. When we find the need to gain complete control by grasping at outcomes, it creates an upward and downward of emotions when our expectations do not happen in the way we envisioned them. We fear the fact that nothing really is in our control, except for what we put into action. Lacking trust that life and its greater force is here to teach and help put us in places we need to be will create drama and chaos. This causes extreme emotions to occur within us. The drastic effects of these wayward feelings can spark a purpose for which we are living, and we can even get this sort of high off of it. Creating scenarios or manipulating them to end up the way we see fit for our satisfaction can be another example of this need for validation resulting in up and down of emotions we experience- if we are aware of it or not. It’s a fragile validation that our life here isn’t pointless, but the thing is, is this method is temporary and easily broken. Take away these extremes and we are left with void- no reason for living, or so it seems. These highs and lows are our soul’s desperate plea for attention, a reminder of who we are in a sense even if we’ve strayed so far from it, helping us recognize our need for simple love and tender care. When we are hurt in our youngest innocence, we build walls around the most precious parts of ourselves for protection. These very parts are our truest and most authentic form from which we came. It seems logical to protect what we most treasure, but building a resistance that repels anything to enter creates isolation. We lose touch and forget who or what those parts of us are over the years of ignoring their need for nurturing, or being set free. In this attempt to protect ourselves we feel the need to gain complete control of every outcome in our lives to avoid the pain we experienced before in our youth, adolescence and even adulthood. The trigger of what can possibly come will cause such a reaction to where we create this elusive facad that is there to take the plunder over what we hold most dear inside of us. Let’s face it, facads are like filters on our snap chat- if one doesn’t work we swipe to the next but ultimately the most authentic picture will never be seen, and that’s what matters, because it’s as raw as the part of us we stand gaurd to protect. We truly do care about ourselves whether we believe it or not. Even if our actions don’t coincide, in a twisted way we protect it in the way we know best at the time. And what a beautiful thing to know in the first step of loving our selves, we always have truly cared.

Just like any living thing in life, we need nurturing to grow. We all yearn for acceptance within ourselves, but not all of us know how to get from point A (imbalance) to point B (balance) to achieve this overall peace of being (neutrality). To be quite honest jumping from A to B would be quite traumatic. That is why tending takes time. The intensity of emotions can be very useful. It isn’t a negative thing to feel so deeply. It tells a story of how our souls are doing. The greatest art is created through passion, tragedy, and immense love. Coming from an artist, myself, I know this very well. It can be difficult to let go of the extreme feeling of sorrow, because we feel holding onto it will bring meaning to who we are. In it, it does. It enlightens us on where we are and how to move forward, but not to keep us in a cycle of suffering.

We can either let life be our greatest teacher by expanding our amazingly intelligent minds and beautiful souls to evolve, or we can grasp onto this illusive control we’ve created as a defense mechanism and repeat the same scenarios throughout our whole duration on this planet.

You may be angry with this. How do we get from point A to B? There is such gap between the two. How do I get there? The answer always lies within yourself. I cannot tell you what your path looks like. You have to make the footprints for yourself. You hold the key to all the answers you need and you always have. As do I. Listen to what your emotions are telling you. Follow what is right for you and let go of what does not serve you any longer. Simply changing your routine, going places you haven’t been or places you have at a different time, following your inner morals that are your own instead of outside expectations of others that are completely irrelevant to you. Because ultimately, we individually only know what is best for us and what we were created to achieve here on earth.

Follow how you are feeling. These weird highs and lows of adrenaline help us, not to hinder our progress, but to tell us that this is the area of healing we need. Listen to the wallows and cries of the soul that reach out in the oddest of ways. Passion is beautiful. We can relate to it, through a painting, a testimony, a song and so on. The relation through passion and experience is beautiful, because we yearn for growth, understanding, for community, for a collective communication and resonance. Because we are not here to be alone. We are meant to be here to raise each other up. But it starts with us. Where will we take ourselves to raise another? If we so choose.

A testimony from me:

I’ve never claimed myself to be smarter than anyone. I’ve been dealing with my crazy highs and lows of emotions for as long as I have been alive. Sometimes I assume it to be insanity, because I feel so damn deeply. I have been one of the biggest control freaks when it comes to controlling outcomes and scenarios in my day to day life. But I’ve only been able to see these traits within myself clearly, (my own way of living that works for me) because I push further and further to find truth. Not in everything and everyone, but in me. Who am I and how can I improve my life for the sake of me. And yes also for my two beautiful girls who look up to me for guidance. I have always known in my gut I came here for something big, and I know now that it’s for healing. Healing of self, the generations before me and the ones ahead of me. To help heal others along my path. My struggles are as real as yours. I’ve always doubted my intelligence, my gifts, my gut feelings, but I now am starting to see transformation through consistency and determination. These rough roads I’ve been through may arise again, but I know more now. I sometimes think to myself, maybe I am crazy. But I’m okay with it, because it has got me this far. If I can help you in any way that is the best gift I can give. And I’m content with the state of “crazy” I’m in. It’s my crazy I thrive and grow on. And I am so damn proud of myself.

💚Bekah Turney

Full Moon In My Branches

Facing who we are can shake the very core of our being. Like peeling back the frail layers of an onion of this illusionary person we’ve created for so many years. It is such a frightening task as the smell grows richer when you get closer to the center. It’s overwhelming aroma becoming more potent and exposed as we pull them off, just as our true spirit emerges from its cage we learned to lock it up in. It’s as if there is always a rock bottom. Always a place to fall with each thing we learn. What we believed for so long reveals itself as but a coping mechanism we used to survive. It is true, the more you learn the more sorrow you experience, and that, as they say, “ignorance is bliss.” If this is so, then why should we grow- make it our mission to become more “aware” of who we are and the reality we actually live in? To be honest, it seems unnecassarily torturous.

A thought came to me one day that struck that dulling cord in me to a flame. I don’t know how it came, divinely, or if I just knew, but it kept me on going in my many of darkest times-

“Would it be better to blindly live in a constant state of pain, or briefly experience pain and become aware of how to heal it?”

As I see it, and/or try to understand, the destined path you or I may choose to take for the betterment of ourselves can be great, and often other times a “piece of shit,” in our mental state at the time. There are so many rock bottoms we fall into with our constant realizations of truth (noted: that come from within our own self). That’s what makes it so hard- we are navigating through ourselves. We are the voices in our heads, and the channel from which spirit comes through. And if we despise who we are then it will make it all the more difficult to trust ourself to climb out of the hole we “ah, fuck”ed into. But with every bump we know a little bit more. We keep knowing more. Every time it gets easier to understand ourselves and how things work for us and around us. That is how we come back around to earning our trust again. That in itself is an act of love.

Even if we do stay “blissfully ignorant,” in doing this, we run out the same cycles- with different experiences, but same scenarios. There’s never a silver lining to what occurs in our day to day lives when we choose to ignore our truth. It’s always an act of a “higher power,” whether it be a person or God, we give our free will to. That is the ultimate pain, existing and not living.

I want to touch further on love and how, in my personal experience, it is to go about loving ourself. First off, it is a simple word that has been romanticized throughout time. It seems as possible to reach as, say, a buey thrown out at sea- the buey representing our true essence, and latched on is a rope binding that part of us that holds true meaning. The rope seems to have been cut off at some point as you reel it in, and when you get to the end of it you find frayed ends of twine instead whilst the buey still drifts on. So, you throw it out again, like an endless loop repeating the same scenario. Love is finding new ways to retrieve your most desired prized self that has been left out there stranded. It’s about utilizing your creative brain, working with yourself as a team and gaining that trust little by little. The meaning of love has been skewed and manipulated for centuries- this is true. It’s actually the opposite of what we’ve learned growing up: from church, school, our parents, their parent’s parents, the media, etc. Loving ourselves is loving others. How can we truly find space and compassion for another person and understand their depth when we won’t even explore our own?

So, the road to self discovery is daunting, if we are completely honest- healing the child inside that’s been so wounded and compromised. But climbing over each stumbling block brings the rewards of empowerment within yourself and coming home to your true center again. All the effort and hard work of ripping off your facade you fell into at a young age is painful, but so damn worth it along the way through your journey of life.

It’s not who is at fault, it’s about finding out the truth, which in turn brings us the rich rewards of trusting and loving ourself again.

~Remember, this is an account of me, my life and my experiences. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. My goal here is to help those who are stuck in the process of their own healing, just as I have felt and continue to from time to time. I love you and wish you the best progress in your life.~


I’m Glad

Smile fleeting on your face.
I blew your dandelion
And you drift away with ease.

And I’m glad-

The part where I change.
Even if it makes my turning heart
Even if my tears run hot,
And confusion makes me mad.

Your hand is giddy, wave good bye,
Say good morning
As I stir, the creator in me,
And cry.

And I’m glad-

The part of me I know is real,
Even if the curdles tell,
The rot of passing what is old,
Even if new times arise
And push me to prevail,

I’m glad.

Care For Me

"Rays Light Shine," Image by: Shuttershock- Banana Republic images

Written by Bekah Turney.

A picture fades
As the embers do- 
Light to my soul. 
My hands twist through the pine
That tremble,
Reaching for the sun. 

Truth be out,
truth be told,
Whilst I break the branches
I tie into knots.
Care for me
As vast as the sea,
Care for me. 
Fill my inner essence,
My whole being. 

I see you,
Those green eyes I hold in my tingling hands.
And cup the stars that shine through them.
Sliding down my throat, 
I take in the man I see
Through lies to ourselves we tell,
To the soul that cries 
And sings sweet whispers
In my ears, 
Down to the vibrating embers 
Where death draws near. 

Gentle breath 
That blows and glows-
Your song that breaks 
The pathway to the sun, 
Mirroring to me
The things so easily seen,
Where the rich warmth of recognition
Reaches down 
To touch my buried soul-
A pathway for the ray of light 
To march to places most feared
And rarely told.

Her Tale of the Journey

Enriched and delved deep into the vine of the forest she looked for an escape. A part of her wanted to become one with the earth. It gave her a sense of peace and stillness she never felt before. Her days normally consisted of running around in circles, never knowing which direction to take, the steps to plan or the vision to hold. It was all based on blind intention. But she knew that the life of intention alone would be a long tedious journey compared to already knowing honestly what she truly desired. She realized then in that moment entangled in the tree’s long roots, that her journey was meant to be arduous with rich wisdom to learn. Her presence in itself was expression. And with the gift of expression, the most wisdom gained is through experience. Her tired soul lie there half defeated and ready to stay still and slowly stretch her limbs forever. But the moon’s beacon called between the vine’s long fingers that wrapped around her face. Half awake she seized her sight on its round glow in the sky and energy swarmed her paralyzed body. Ready to break free, yet unable to find a way. That is, if she truly wanted to find a way in the first place. She lie still, swarming, a bomb resting still and working its way into an implosion. Maybe that was the answer, that an implosion would break her from the vine- a collapse of all reason to find new ground- a fresh form of clarity to venture.