We are one.

You are me. I am you. We are one. I am the judgement you place, because it is buried inside of my heart. I am the person who ignores their lover, because I feel I am not capable of receiving their love. I am the piercing stare in your hurting eyes from losing those closest to you. I am the anger that has fueled you from trying to take on the world with your desperate hands of control. I am the lustful tease that swoops in for a kiss to fill the cup of my abandoned heart. I am the manipulator who hoards the love of their targets to avoid looking at the lack of love I have for myself. I am the person who criticizes the beggar, because I feel I’ve earned so much but still don’t know how love and freedom truly feel. I am you who cries your lonely self to sleep with the offspring made together with your absent love. I am your squinting eyes that look into a reflection at an unrecognizable body, a body that isnt who you feel you truly are and find deep seeded shame. I am you who only sees idiocy in others to experience the worth I feel I lack. I am the gentle grip of the infant that clings to my parent, unyielding to receive the love that purely surrounds my innocence. I am the person who pulls the trigger with the barrel in their mouth, because I lost everything that validated who I am. I am you who helps the the broken soul to rise from their ashes into a beautiful Phoenix.

I am, we are- all reflections, all reminders to what is going on inside of us- Every thought, every feeling summoned up from within in response to another human being and how they live, what they choose. It’s a cyclical mirror shining into me, into you, into us. It’s how we recognize our pain, or our pure light. We recognize things that cause pain, like: lack, failure, stupidity, deception, etc. The pain resonates because we respond to it- with emotions like hatred, anger, resentment, superiority, inferiority, depression, victimizing of ourself. It’s like a signaling florescent sign in our heart, and it’s our choice to take on it’s guidance to find resolution or suppress it’s existence out of fear. But pain is not who we are. Pain is a guide, an inner path to see truth. We are love. And we are one. Compassion grows from knowing truth. It grows inside of you and for you, as it grows the same for me- Because you are me. And I am you. And that truth met, means healing. It means finding us- finding love.

In My Branches

The day became a bit frazzled in my head once it neared time to leave my sister’s house. Time to round up all of our things and head home. Which means, trying to juggle bags and things whilst not losing the kids on the way to the car. But I want to reflect now on how I can rethink and feel into these situations, why I feel the way I do. And how to redirect my thoughts to bring more peace and clarity into any similar situation.

I feel a penetrating life or death scenario play through me of the need to maintain control: my kids talking repetitively, raising their voice, their zealous excitement that comes in massive waves, and their unhinged anxiety that triggers. All of this learned from their environment, of course. My thoughts are, how do I make it stop?! It’s time to be bold and let them teach me so I may also teach them. I control how I perceive my life and life around me, I choose each action I take, thought I form or how I react to my minds majority of insane ramblings- That’s it! To think I control anything else is delusional- “A chasing after the wind,” as King Soloman said.

So, I choose clarity. As I state that I choose clarity my chest knots up in resistance. Well, too bad, I tell myself. The other way is like running around an endless loop with no finish line. I choose awareness, even if it seems “unrealistic” to my trained anxious mind. I choose the freedom it gives.

Let’s play:

What annoys me? I take a moment to look around. Someone’s car parked right at my bumper when there is more room in front of the car in front of me. This person once complained about pulling all the way up and making room for parking. Now, I see contradiction in their demands vs. their actions.

Is it in my control? No. Now, why does it annoy me? Ooh, that’s a tough question to answer. Maybe I recognize the senseless and delusional need for control in them that I, too, struggle with. Maybe when I look into this person I see a mirror of aspects of me that I am ashamed of. Maybe my anger is actually trying to tell me something- like how to recognize the similar aspects we share and move past them.

As I sit here writing I notice something- That the wind blows my hair as it wants to. And when I move it back to where I find it comfortable, it swoops in and blows it over again. As much as I place the strands back perfectly, they will never stay. That is, unless the wind were to stop blowing, or I go inside the house. But if I choose to sit where I am, I would continuously keep re-centering my bangs until I had no energy left but frustration and anger. Do I decide to move inside? Or do I stay and let go of delusion, embracing the fact I have no control of where my bangs are carried to?- over any force outside of myself.

Letters to myself

Vulnerability: There is fear in vulnerability, but you will never know how to love truly unless you become that. When you open up, you let go of all the pain that is not serving you. When you let go, the fear you have of rejection diminishes. And when it diminishes, you cannot be effected by the rejector, because you will have learned to love yourself in the process.

Practice giving what you desire to feel of yourself in return. Is it hard? YES. My body shakes, my mind races and I want to vomit- so I accept the bruises that cause pain in me. I love them, because I learn from them.

Let go-

Let go of the winter days longing for a love that later left you. Let go of the hours of love and dedication you gave freely to a man who wasn’t strong enough. Let go of the relationships you lost and gave your time to, they were lost because they weren’t meant for you. Let go of all those you gave your heart to on days like this, with the thick fog in the sky and the branches bare on the beautifully naked trees. Let go of the countless hours wondering where he was and if you were even good enough for him. Let go of the names you picked for your eldest daughter that cloudy day walking down the sidewalk at the complex where you stayed, sidewalk jagged, broken, stubbing your toes, hiding your smile. Let go of competing for his attention and everyone’s attention in general- countless hours, countless years. Let go of covering up his hurt with illusionary love he felt for you. Let go of chasing him that was the wind. Let go of failing a relationship – because it wasn’t meant to last your whole life time, but to teach you about your relationship with yourself. It was meant to heal your wounds, to show you your pain, to kiss your lack and show you, you were and are always whole. It was meant to guide you to see your true worth. Let go of the many walks down the beach where you felt you weren’t good enough, and damn It, let go of hiding your beautiful smile. Look at your talented hands and see they were made for a reason. You are. And your existence is beautiful. Let go of the expectations that hold nothing over you. You have no idea of what is to come. Be where your heart finds it is meant to be. Do what is in your heart for you to do. Let the pedals of your intricate flower bloom into view. Let love guide you, and let love be your driving force for everything.



Roots to Leaves

How we feel about ourselves shows through our every day life: from how we’re dressed, the conditions of our living space, the friends we choose to the very attitude we possess. We display the amount of love we have for ourselves everyday out for the world to see just by how we are living. When you look at yourself, how are you living? And why?

My whole life I have dealt with a feeling of not being good enough. It has been to the point where I only see myself, everything I do in every moment has been judged by me, and I don’t see the world and everyone around me for who they are and what reality truly is. I have dealt with an intense amount of anxiety where I have placed judgement on myself so harshly that I created a false sense of who I am for others around to see as “perfect.” I felt who I really was could never keep up or fulfill the image of perfection that was always “expected” of me to be. From years of this inner torment and abuse I not only created a world of illusion, but I had prevented myself from sharing with others the worth and beauty of my soul I never knew existed until now. I’ve decided to change the way I think completely- I am transforming my roots. Does this stir up any familiar feelings within you? Like a pit that weighs a ton in your stomach and your chest as it cries out, that’s me! This decision is not simple of course, it’s a process, and a process requires patience and, yes, time. But what has only been a couple of years feels like a huge amount of growth for me. And that is from consistency and perceverance. Self growth is possible for everyone.

In other words I decided to take the road less traveled. I felt shame and I recognized it for what it truly was. I don’t confuse my emotions any longer, or make excuses as to why I should keep them forever as my fate, because I made a conscious choice not to. I have decided to do what is best for me- so I felt the shame that has tormented me inside my gut for as long as I can remember, back to my childhood, I allowed it in and acknowledged it’s existence, because it was there and there was no hiding it or excusing the poisonous feeling. What is the point of dancing around truth? Just to dance around it some more and more and be overcome with exhaustion. Or should I set myself free? –

The day I set myself free was the day I acknowledged my emotions AS THEY ARE. How can it be so simple as to feel your emotions as they are? There are times where we don’t even know what emotion is ours or we feel pressured by an emotion we think we should feel. Start with what’s apparent. You angry? Take a second to feel that anger. Then ask yourself what got you so mad. Distract your overtemperment and surrender your self judgement by looking in as an observer and ask yourself questions. Create a sense of purpose for yourself by finding the root of the issue, and possibly try looking at it as a meaningful game for yourself where you play detective and it’s all about you and taking care of your needs. Asking yourself questions is an act of self love. And if you feel like you aren’t there, that you’re at a place where self love is too far off the spectrum for you, you’re not alone. So, know that every act of self exploration taken is loving yourself, it’s a step closer and closer to knowing your soul which in its true essence is love.

Life is literally a playground – a beautiful playground with endless things to learn, and it is through learning how we grow. There is never a point reached in the life we live on earth where we cannot learn anything more. So, then why not play? Why not revel in the fact that we are here for a purpose, to learn and grow into our true authenticity. We are here to find our way back to the core of who we are, that we are all connected and where we come from is the source of all love, the creator, our God or whatever you claim.

What is the point of all this self love talk? Many of us have thought, giving of ourselves and loving others is what God asks of us, or , giving to others is just what I morally believe and how I was raised- so that alone gives us no motivation to look within for what we already have, but all the motivation to look to outward sources for what cannot make us whole or make fit of the puzzle piece that is uniquely made for us individually and that is also separated by us in the first place of our own accord- through childhood and what we were taught we “should” be. Are we giving because we want to help others truly through the love and happiness of our hearts or do we want to be accepted by others? Or are we inspired by both? It is not possible for us to be capable of helping and loving others if we are not right inside of ourselves first. We are all projectors of the way we feel about ourselves. So, loving ourselves is loving others. The more we care and nurture ourselves, the more we do that for others. It causes a ripple effect. When we see the love we are inside, we see it in others and treat them accordingly. We then have clear vision of the truth we can then light the way for others to experience the same for themselves. Why do I sit here and write messages for those who may possibly read This? Because I’ve seen a light within myself and I want you, reader, to know you have it too and that it’s beautiful. So unique and so beautiful. I see it, I feel it- in me and in all of you.
What inspires you in someone else is what you already possess within you. The light that flickers within, that admiration, the spark to a potential flame are the capabilities and power you wield within yourself ready to be ignited and grown into a blazing fire. Growing to know and love ourselves more helps us to realize we are the love that which we seek, the talent we strive to be, the knowledge we wish to attain- we are.

It starts with a little seedling from a tree. This seed is unique from the rest, and so on and so forth for all the others. They fall down to the ground at different times in different ways. They all have a purpose to drop and grow at the pace and accordance fit for them. They are each different but same in beauty. As for every person here on earth. So we plant our seed, some sooner some later, we grow at the speed meant for us, and it all works together as a whole, meant to be- each encounter, embrace, sorrow, joy; all in perfect cadence for our greater good and achievement. Each moment has meaning each moment holds value and a lesson to learn about ourselves and all as a whole.
I love you all. Please keep reaching through the branches of your beautiful soul.

A Night In My Branches

It’s a rare occasion sometimes, to pull back the layers of junk created in one’s life: junk we grew up raised to believe, layer after layer of society’s expectation of us being smoothed down with a spreading knife, and look into that peeled back space to see what lies beneath.

When I happen upon that rare occasion I find something remarkable, something impossible to fully describe in words. What I experience is something beautiful beyond measure and beyond my current understanding. I sit baffled rather and in disbelief, and then I come into total trusting belief that what I see is possible, what I see is me- I see love, I feel love and I am love. In those moments I ask myself these questions every time, “Why don’t I always feel this way?” to “Why don’t I see this clearly all of the time?” And on that very same night of this realization I then go on as I normally do- I close my eyes to go to sleep, and by morning it’s as if the layers were pressed back down again and I move on as if that moment I had never existed. That is until that next rare occasion something wakes me up again and peels back those heavily caked on layers I’m so accustomed to.

This time I spiritually woke up from my daughter hugging my neck very tightly. I was telling her to let go because it was bed time. She cried and looked very sad as I was leaving the room and her sister rustled in her bed next to hers. I went into the kitchen and popped some food in the microwave, and then made my way to the living room to sit down and eat. I remembered the charger for my phone was in the room so I decided to pop back in very briefly to grab it, hoping not to cause a commotion. As I opened the door my youngest says from her crib, “Boo!” I laughed as I walked in. I then heard my oldest from her bed chuckle deep in her throat. So I made my way over one more time for hugs and kisses after grabbing my charger. I got down by my oldest and I smothered her with hugs and kisses. She then starts telling me, “You make me so happy, you really do love me. I miss you, momma.” Her words flooded out like a constant current of overwhelming emotion. I knew she was tired, but I could feel an emotion she had missed sharing with me, and that was love. It was in that moment I saw what was really important. It was in that moment she peeled back one of my layers and showed me what I had forgotten from all the hustle and bustle and stress I put onto my shoulders- she showed me what has always rested within me. It was in that moment my daughter reminded me how important it is to love, to be love and to recognize within us that love is who we truly are.
So I lied there a while and I held her back. I told my mind to shut up and I listened to my heart say stay. I gave my daughter something she truly missed and what she and all of us need. Love. In that moment my job that I have did not matter, the dirty clothes growing in the laundry basket did not matter, the tasks I know I have to do the next day did not matter, attending the world of social media on my phone as a passer-by of time and a distraction of my responsibilities (the very thing I intended to do by going back in the room to grab my charger) didn’t matter. What mattered was that moment, the love that consumed us, and the truth of who we as people truly are. What I saw was: she is my daughter, she needs me, she learns from me, she is my responsibility and I love her more that words can express. She and I, we help each other grow. And I saw the same as I turned around to my youngest and I looked into her fiery, familiar eyes- eyes that speak to me on many deep levels as well.
To you my friends: Embrace the moments that your layers peel back and you can see in clearly to your soul and your purpose- who it is you truly are. And after you wake up that next morning when you’re most vulnerable to the torment of the day’s possibilities ahead, remind yourself what it is that truly matters and how important it is to recognize it within yourself and share that very thing every single day. That thing is Love. It is you. It is us.
My love to you all, Keep reaching through the branches of your soul,