"Rays Light Shine," Image by: Shuttershock- Banana Republic images Written by Bekah Turney. A picture fades As the embers do- Light to my soul. My hands twist through the pine That tremble, Reaching for the sun. Truth be out, truth be told, Whilst I break the branches I tie into knots. Care for me As vast as the sea, Care for me. Fill my inner essence, My whole being. I see you, Those green eyes I hold in my tingling hands. And cup the stars that shine through them. Sliding down my throat, I take in the man I see Through lies to ourselves we tell, To the soul that cries And sings sweet whispers In my ears, Down to the vibrating embers Where death draws near. Gentle breath That blows and glows- Your song that breaks The pathway to the sun, Mirroring to me The things so easily seen, Where the rich warmth of recognition Reaches down To touch my buried soul- A pathway for the ray of light To march to places most feared And rarely told.
Enriched and delved deep into the vine of the forest she looked for an escape. A part of her wanted to become one with the earth. It gave her a sense of peace and stillness she never felt before. Her days normally consisted of running around in circles, never knowing which direction to take, the steps to plan or the vision to hold. It was all based on blind intention. But she knew that the life of intention alone would be a long tedious journey compared to already knowing honestly what she truly desired. She realized then in that moment entangled in the tree’s long roots, that her journey was meant to be arduous with rich wisdom to learn. Her presence in itself was expression. And with the gift of expression, the most wisdom gained is through experience. Her tired soul lie there half defeated and ready to stay still and slowly stretch her limbs forever. But the moon’s beacon called between the vine’s long fingers that wrapped around her face. Half awake she seized her sight on its round glow in the sky and energy swarmed her paralyzed body. Ready to break free, yet unable to find a way. That is, if she truly wanted to find a way in the first place. She lie still, swarming, a bomb resting still and working its way into an implosion. Maybe that was the answer, that an implosion would break her from the vine- a collapse of all reason to find new ground- a fresh form of clarity to venture.
The perception of others has nothing to do with you, as everyone is different, uniquely crafted from one’s own thought and experience.
This random statement may seem vague, left open with many questions and empty answers. You may ask yourself for example: Where is the key to unlock this understanding for myself- How do I achieve this?
-And simply this: Only you can. You are the key.
We are the masters of our own lives. We choose where we go, what we think, the clothes we put on every day, the food we consume- how much we consume and so on. It is endless. The first step to understanding the statement above is to take responsibility for where we are right NOW. Not what we did before or what is to come. Now is where we are, and of our own making.
This isn’t a message specifically for the quote above, it’s to help with understanding things that deem true, that ring a bell in our hearts, but not feeling them on an emotional level of understanding.
Before I go into more steps of how to receive messages that seem surface or vague, or that seem to have depth, but you can’t fully understand their utmost meaning, I want to inform you of what I learned from this similar experience.
Since I was a babe, around 5 years old, I have experienced chronic anxiety. Every little thing seemed to overwhelm me. Every challenge, or a simple task, would cause me to freeze and collapse internally. I absorbed wisdom from elders like a sponge for as long as I can remember: Like listening to my Grandmothers and Aunts chatting around the room, mother telling me many times throughout my childood, You can never love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first. Everything I learned held deep value and truth, which is why I’ve held onto it all of these years, but I never had the proper guiding tools to understand and navigate that wisdom into my every day life.
I also want you, reader, to know, I hold nothing to you, you are free, as am I. This is my gift, may it be or not. May you take what I have that helps and carry on- like a ripple in water that spreads. I love you.
The major keys to unlocking understanding of wisdom, is: Seeking, intention, experience, and consistency.
All of these are keys, (give or take whatever you may add) and you, the locksmith. The only answers you will find lie within yourself.
Seeking the answers to your questions is a vital step to discovery. Through seeking deep within the muddled caked layers of nonsense you may have learned and accepted throughout your life lies your truth. When seeking for your truth to find resonance and meaning, you must set the intention to grow, change and to expand. And yes, it’s not a walk through a flowery garden, it’s uncomfortable, as you face many things you have not yet realized or acknowledged. This is where experience is a vital tool to help unlock the different avenues that lead to your truth. Every relational experience in your life can be reflected on how you choose to navigate yours- it is your greatest teacher. With your intention to seek truth, your experience can help you recognize patterns- what does and does not work for you. Everything works together to enlighten us to our truth, our purpose here and what really matters. And the only way to go up is to be consistent in this practice. That is the only way a ripple can continue to spread. That is the way of feeling on an emotional level what the wisdom you seek means. Its facing what is uncomfortable to arrive at the flowery garden. You are your own unique navigator.
Do you dare search your souls to unlock the answers- the truth of who you are? Do you dare to set yourself free and soar?
My immemse love to you,
Pink soft fabric snuggles
The hand that pulls at the looming
Lights, dancing about her feeble stature.
The lion and his lioness circle the
Barricade, her only escape the tiny sun
Peaking through the hole above her head.
A tight squeeze, but she contorts her body
The ground meets her feet, firm, and others stand about.
Too calm she tells herself, her feet feeling tickled,
Looking down to find a bed of bugs that crawl
Their tiny legs up her skin.
I must keep moving, she tells herself.
The fences of scattered homes,
Over high and floating,
Bugs that leave her troubled feet,
Lion and his lioness that follow not far behind-
But she knows she’s safe from the ravenous teeth that build within her curious gut,
And reaches down with a kiss goodbye.
And her feet find a patch of green.
Sweet bundle of brown fur that taps it’s paws
Around the grass-
She reaches the cub that shows its glimmering eyes
And climbs its back, united cordially.
Fingers she runs through it’s hair,
A pulse that travels to her bones-
Late night drinks
With ducks in the background,
Chirping out their lungs.
New friends acquanting again.
Talk is cheap, but going places.
Another drink, I take a beer-
Sip down what the worries carry,
Down to the depths of where nonsense goes.
Fold the apron into my purse,
Spit chatter till my innards bleed-
Bleed out the truths kept hidden,
Hidden, waiting to be set free.
Should I project the usual tantrum:
Of roses being red,
And violets their deepened blue-
Darkened by the vague layer of what should be said,
An Old Letter I Wrote to Myself:
When exhausted, the little things can take over you and push you over the edge- Put the situation into perspective and look at the end result of what the situation will bring.
When confronting someone when a hurtful situation arises, approach the person involved, not someone who is not. When we avoid talking to the person involved in the conflict were experiencing, aka: gossiping, we feel that we have “taken action” to solve the issue, but in reality, we then suppress the issue and make it worse. Directly bringing the issue to the one involved brings closure- for yourself, for possible flourishment of your relationship, and clarity of which direction to go forth in.
Let go of your imaginary control over others. And this will allow space to love and forgive them, and~ let go. Move forward- you serve yourself and the other person more that way.
Each of our lives are built of many stories. These stories are breathed into every life we encounter. Understanding our differences and the lack of control we have of others outside of ourselves will help us to become more flexible and accepting in relationships.
Take time to listen, think, and gain perspective of what kind of person you desire to be, and who in your core you always dreamed of becoming and believe it with all your heart.
Note to myself:
Take time to listen, while parenting, think- what kind of women do you desire they become at their truest potential?
That should be great motivation to: stop, breathe and listen.
“We don’t all fit in the same mold.”
There are too many requirements to breathe- to survive. They say this is the land of the free, a great place to thrive, while us bottom feeders born with no “legacy” scrape to live- scrape to devour the wisdom we yearn, with nothing much left but our dignity to give. You spin us a web, a road map to success, and the moment we tread the thread , we stick, and watch as the hunter comes in to feast it’s prey, without a shying glimpse. Success can definitely be possible, no doubt that things can always pan out, with the right frame of mind and the drive behind.. But we are not made of metal hinged together by the ideas of another man, we are creation we are creator we are of our own accord. We are wholeness, but we categorize like we have that right on each other. Delusional society. Lies after lies fed from one parent to their babe for years and possibly many more to come. Lesser, greater, bullshit that separates the soul from it true nature. It’s purpose to fulfil. I break the chain that grips my ankles grinding horns onto my bones from tug and pull. I break free and become no-one, no longer a part of the system we’ve learned to cling to blindly.
See what is true and acknowledge it’s existence. Kiss it’s wounds and apply the wisdom you have gained into a positive new direction- change of the old ways into the new.
Create, they tell me. Creator, they call me. Live life anew, they whisper to me- the angels of my world.
I feel like a loose cannon, with one more tap of my shell and I burst. Nobody likes deception. We are afraid of it. So what should we do to overcome it? Shall we observe why we are afraid? Do we deceive in return, because we fear that very same thing? Yes- by having a false identity is to deceive. And in fear we create one. When we are not honest about who we are or how we feel, that is having a false identity. There to protect ourselves is an outer shell we try to make impenetrable, but by doing this, we end up imploding from compacted identities and labels we create and accept. Until there is no more room and we scatter fragmented pieces of who we truly are from beneath the surface that end up revealing themselves anyway.
What we are paranoid or are afraid of is what we are giving in return. How do we overcome fear and distrust?
As I plunge through the caked layers of my outer surface, one I accumulated through my whole life’s experience, I understand now that I did this in order to survive the only way at the time that I knew how to. I feel the daggers penetrate slowly through my chest- sharp, straight forward and honest. Beneath the surface now. I feel it, fully. I found my children again. Unstable tears flood and I feel free. I found me. I see, and I can touch her shuddering shoulder that is afraid. I touch her, and she is aware. She and I look into each other’s eyes and we see, we feel, we reconcile, we heal, we love. I love you, I tell myself. I was just thinking some time earlier how detached I felt from who I was as a child. And I just found her through my children as I decided to sing that long requested lullabye I had mentioned a moment ago to my daughter that I was too tired for. I choose them. I choose us. I choose family. I want family. That to me is home. Not turning my face away to other stimuli in order to dull the pain and veil the truth. They help me grow and I help them grow. The inkling tugs at me that we are destined to help each other in life changing ways. Change has come through my doorstep. Welcome in. Come into my open arms. I am new. I perceive with new eyes, I am aware. I love, I am infinite.
I apply what I have learned, and I accept the pain, because it heals me. We are okay. Okay in a sense that we are where we are supposed to be. We learn at a pace that is fit for our own and ours alone. To think that you’re bad is to feel shame. To feel inner shame is to give up on yourself. But shame recognized can be a chance for starting new, awareness that you are hurting. Life is a continuous experience where we can grow, thrive, learn, fail and see that with the failure stems hope. Because without failure we would have nothing to learn and look forward to. So, shame hinders you from seeing the truth and the beauty that you really are. To avoid the taboo chase of I’m lesser and I’m greater than they, depending on others to take care of you when that is only possible by you alone, the eyes must look inward. And the truth of what lies within will create neutrality. That neutrality will bring peace. You will see we are all in this together, all responsible for our own choices. So, again I say, it’s okay you have the nervous twitch to lie, because that means there’s opportunity for inner growth. It’s okay to feel the need for revenge, because there’s opportunity to see an outside perspective. There is always a chance to grow no matter where we are, to find that true peace, that true worth, that true inner fulfillment, if you want it enough. The fact is that’s what we all desire, truly- A way back home to our hearts.
I forgive you for leaving your children. I forgive you for loathing them. Because I know you were hurting, you were loathing yourself. You were hiding from the very thing they are, that you once had forgotten, and were afraid of meeting with again- true divinity.
You teach me. It took so much for me to see, but I am here now. I choose you. I choose you, because I have chosen to let go and heal, to love. You are the beacon that calls to me in the night. You rescue me. I choose you. I choose us.
You are me. I am you. We are one. I am the judgement you place, because it is buried inside of my heart. I am the person who ignores their lover, because I feel I am not capable of receiving their love. I am the piercing stare in your hurting eyes from losing those closest to you. I am the anger that has fueled you from trying to take on the world with your desperate hands of control. I am the lustful tease that swoops in for a kiss to fill the cup of my abandoned heart. I am the manipulator who hoards the love of their targets to avoid looking at the lack of love I have for myself. I am the person who criticizes the beggar, because I feel I’ve earned so much but still don’t know how love and freedom truly feel. I am you who cries your lonely self to sleep with the offspring made together with your absent love. I am your squinting eyes that look into a reflection at an unrecognizable body, a body that isnt who you feel you truly are and find deep seeded shame. I am you who only sees idiocy in others to experience the worth I feel I lack. I am the gentle grip of the infant that clings to my parent, unyielding to receive the love that purely surrounds my innocence. I am the person who pulls the trigger with the barrel in their mouth, because I lost everything that validated who I am. I am you who helps the the broken soul to rise from their ashes into a beautiful Phoenix.
I am, we are- all reflections, all reminders to what is going on inside of us- Every thought, every feeling summoned up from within in response to another human being and how they live, what they choose. It’s a cyclical mirror shining into me, into you, into us. It’s how we recognize our pain, or our pure light. We recognize things that cause pain, like: lack, failure, stupidity, deception, etc. The pain resonates because we respond to it- with emotions like hatred, anger, resentment, superiority, inferiority, depression, victimizing of ourself. It’s like a signaling florescent sign in our heart, and it’s our choice to take on it’s guidance to find resolution or suppress it’s existence out of fear. But pain is not who we are. Pain is a guide, an inner path to see truth. We are love. And we are one. Compassion grows from knowing truth. It grows inside of you and for you, as it grows the same for me- Because you are me. And I am you. And that truth met, means healing. It means finding us- finding love.
The day became a bit frazzled in my head once it neared time to leave my sister’s house. Time to round up all of our things and head home. Which means, trying to juggle bags and things whilst not losing the kids on the way to the car. But I want to reflect now on how I can rethink and feel into these situations, why I feel the way I do. And how to redirect my thoughts to bring more peace and clarity into any similar situation.
I feel a penetrating life or death scenario play through me of the need to maintain control: my kids talking repetitively, raising their voice, their zealous excitement that comes in massive waves, and their unhinged anxiety that triggers. All of this learned from their environment, of course. My thoughts are, how do I make it stop?! It’s time to be bold and let them teach me so I may also teach them. I control how I perceive my life and life around me, I choose each action I take, thought I form or how I react to my minds majority of insane ramblings- That’s it! To think I control anything else is delusional- “A chasing after the wind,” as King Soloman said.
So, I choose clarity. As I state that I choose clarity my chest knots up in resistance. Well, too bad, I tell myself. The other way is like running around an endless loop with no finish line. I choose awareness, even if it seems “unrealistic” to my trained anxious mind. I choose the freedom it gives.
What annoys me? I take a moment to look around. Someone’s car parked right at my bumper when there is more room in front of the car in front of me. This person once complained about pulling all the way up and making room for parking. Now, I see contradiction in their demands vs. their actions.
Is it in my control? No. Now, why does it annoy me? Ooh, that’s a tough question to answer. Maybe I recognize the senseless and delusional need for control in them that I, too, struggle with. Maybe when I look into this person I see a mirror of aspects of me that I am ashamed of. Maybe my anger is actually trying to tell me something- like how to recognize the similar aspects we share and move past them.
As I sit here writing I notice something- That the wind blows my hair as it wants to. And when I move it back to where I find it comfortable, it swoops in and blows it over again. As much as I place the strands back perfectly, they will never stay. That is, unless the wind were to stop blowing, or I go inside the house. But if I choose to sit where I am, I would continuously keep re-centering my bangs until I had no energy left but frustration and anger. Do I decide to move inside? Or do I stay and let go of delusion, embracing the fact I have no control of where my bangs are carried to?- over any force outside of myself.