Facing who we are can shake the very core of our being. Like peeling back the frail layers of an onion of this illusionary person we’ve created for so many years. It is such a frightening task as the smell grows richer when you get closer to the center. It’s overwhelming aroma becoming more potent and exposed as we pull them off, just as our true spirit emerges from its cage we learned to lock it up in. It’s as if there is always a rock bottom. Always a place to fall with each thing we learn. What we believed for so long reveals itself as but a coping mechanism we used to survive. It is true, the more you learn the more sorrow you experience, and that, as they say, “ignorance is bliss.” If this is so, then why should we grow- make it our mission to become more “aware” of who we are and the reality we actually live in? To be honest, it seems unnecassarily torturous.
A thought came to me one day that struck that dulling cord in me to a flame. I don’t know how it came, divinely, or if I just knew, but it kept me on going in my many of darkest times-
“Would it be better to blindly live in a constant state of pain, or briefly experience pain and become aware of how to heal it?”
As I see it, and/or try to understand, the destined path you or I may choose to take for the betterment of ourselves can be great, and often other times a “piece of shit,” in our mental state at the time. There are so many rock bottoms we fall into with our constant realizations of truth (noted: that come from within our own self). That’s what makes it so hard- we are navigating through ourselves. We are the voices in our heads, and the channel from which spirit comes through. And if we despise who we are then it will make it all the more difficult to trust ourself to climb out of the hole we “ah, fuck”ed into. But with every bump we know a little bit more. We keep knowing more. Every time it gets easier to understand ourselves and how things work for us and around us. That is how we come back around to earning our trust again. That in itself is an act of love.
Even if we do stay “blissfully ignorant,” in doing this, we run out the same cycles- with different experiences, but same scenarios. There’s never a silver lining to what occurs in our day to day lives when we choose to ignore our truth. It’s always an act of a “higher power,” whether it be a person or God, we give our free will to. That is the ultimate pain, existing and not living.
I want to touch further on love and how, in my personal experience, it is to go about loving ourself. First off, it is a simple word that has been romanticized throughout time. It seems as possible to reach as, say, a buey thrown out at sea- the buey representing our true essence, and latched on is a rope binding that part of us that holds true meaning. The rope seems to have been cut off at some point as you reel it in, and when you get to the end of it you find frayed ends of twine instead whilst the buey still drifts on. So, you throw it out again, like an endless loop repeating the same scenario. Love is finding new ways to retrieve your most desired prized self that has been left out there stranded. It’s about utilizing your creative brain, working with yourself as a team and gaining that trust little by little. The meaning of love has been skewed and manipulated for centuries- this is true. It’s actually the opposite of what we’ve learned growing up: from church, school, our parents, their parent’s parents, the media, etc. Loving ourselves is loving others. How can we truly find space and compassion for another person and understand their depth when we won’t even explore our own?
So, the road to self discovery is daunting, if we are completely honest- healing the child inside that’s been so wounded and compromised. But climbing over each stumbling block brings the rewards of empowerment within yourself and coming home to your true center again. All the effort and hard work of ripping off your facade you fell into at a young age is painful, but so damn worth it along the way through your journey of life.
It’s not who is at fault, it’s about finding out the truth, which in turn brings us the rich rewards of trusting and loving ourself again.
~Remember, this is an account of me, my life and my experiences. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. My goal here is to help those who are stuck in the process of their own healing, just as I have felt and continue to from time to time. I love you and wish you the best progress in your life.~