In My Branches

The day became a bit frazzled in my head once it neared time to leave my sister’s house. Time to round up all of our things and head home. Which means, trying to juggle bags and things whilst not losing the kids on the way to the car. But I want to reflect now on how I can rethink and feel into these situations, why I feel the way I do. And how to redirect my thoughts to bring more peace and clarity into any similar situation.

I feel a penetrating life or death scenario play through me of the need to maintain control: my kids talking repetitively, raising their voice, their zealous excitement that comes in massive waves, and their unhinged anxiety that triggers. All of this learned from their environment, of course. My thoughts are, how do I make it stop?! It’s time to be bold and let them teach me so I may also teach them. I control how I perceive my life and life around me, I choose each action I take, thought I form or how I react to my minds majority of insane ramblings- That’s it! To think I control anything else is delusional- “A chasing after the wind,” as King Soloman said.

So, I choose clarity. As I state that I choose clarity my chest knots up in resistance. Well, too bad, I tell myself. The other way is like running around an endless loop with no finish line. I choose awareness, even if it seems “unrealistic” to my trained anxious mind. I choose the freedom it gives.

Let’s play:

What annoys me? I take a moment to look around. Someone’s car parked right at my bumper when there is more room in front of the car in front of me. This person once complained about pulling all the way up and making room for parking. Now, I see contradiction in their demands vs. their actions.

Is it in my control? No. Now, why does it annoy me? Ooh, that’s a tough question to answer. Maybe I recognize the senseless and delusional need for control in them that I, too, struggle with. Maybe when I look into this person I see a mirror of aspects of me that I am ashamed of. Maybe my anger is actually trying to tell me something- like how to recognize the similar aspects we share and move past them.

As I sit here writing I notice something- That the wind blows my hair as it wants to. And when I move it back to where I find it comfortable, it swoops in and blows it over again. As much as I place the strands back perfectly, they will never stay. That is, unless the wind were to stop blowing, or I go inside the house. But if I choose to sit where I am, I would continuously keep re-centering my bangs until I had no energy left but frustration and anger. Do I decide to move inside? Or do I stay and let go of delusion, embracing the fact I have no control of where my bangs are carried to?- over any force outside of myself.

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