I am here for a reason- and that is to help those who are where I was at not too long ago, and to help those who want to see themselves as true holders of light, to better themselves and learn their truth and the truth about the universe/God/what is all, etc. It’s what I strive for every moment of my life now and want to share with all of you who are willing and open to receive, and only so if it resonates with you. I’m coming out and saying it- I’m pulling back the veil to reveal who I truly am. I have no labels, I just am.
I am going to be vulnerable with you. I’m going to share with you how I started to and continue to climb out of what to me seemed an eternal pit of depression. I am not trying to place blame on anyone or look for sympathy. My goal is to connect with you and show you through my story how I found strength within myself, that I felt at the time, with sincerity, did not exist inside any space of my being- My story is about the progression of me, my journey and my spiritual growth, as we all are on our own spiritual path and journey unique to ourselves. No one is better or lesser than any other, but equal and all connected through spirit- a spirit made up of love in its true essence. Like I said, I do not put labels on myself anymore. My faith and way of life is my own, I am simply growing every day to know the truth of who I am and the truth of this world and of God, the universe that we live in through what resonates with me and my knowledge and intuition. I hope that I inspire and uplift you with my truth, to help you strive to be a better version of yourself every day in your own way. I love you all so much.
– ~~~~~~ – ~~~~~~ – ~~~~~~ – ~~~~~~ – ~~~~~~ – ~~~~~~ –
It starts off with a soul swirling about my womb, unknown and a mystery to us all. Will it be a boy, will it be a girl? I do not yet know. Then I finally see the definition of the growing fetus it chose; it’s a girl. Now there is more bonding between the two of us, we are on a new level of intimacy. She is then placed into my arms after the shock of my first child birth. Her face couldn’t be more perfect it seemed. She was born into security. She was held by arms that had the utmost faith that everything was going to be okay. She had a family. She was surrounded by love. “Mommy, daddy, baby,” she always told her dad and I. She played with her toys in groups of three like so. The three of us were the center of her colorful world, it was all she knew. At the age of 3 her world was ripped of the trio in a surprising pull- a page turned of her perfect adventure, flat and unseen pressed against the cover of the book she intricately designed and that was influenced by me. Our eyes saw this idea of a perfect life, but what was hidden behind this delusion was dysfunctional passiveness and a lack of communication. This resulting in a long built resentment we knew was there but hid well from each other, even ourselves.
By this time, the once sweet little one and only child had a sister who was barely turning 5 months. The constant question that buzzed from her lips was, “Where did he go?” and “why did he leave?” All I could tell that head full of thick, brown hair, was that we are not the reason why he left, he left because he chose a life without us. – I am not sure if her young frazzled mind understood, and to be honest, at that time I didn’t even understand what it was I told her. I didn’t realise that I also chose a life without him as well. I just knew that in time when we heal from these shocking fresh open wounds we would then gain a clarity and understanding as to why certain things happen the way they do in our lives.
The page to our book lie empty. The silence then shook the house from room to room paining every nerve and the slightest occurrence of a happy thought that would start to take form. Soon we had to leave our home and that was the most painful part of all. Though all of their father’s absence, the girls and I made it a home together. But the security blanket had then been removed from our eyes and we were placed into an ugly truth of the reality we lived in. The truth creeping up until it burst, splattering its artwork on our freshly turned page. Where do I take you girls now? Where do we go?
With nowhere to go someone close to me took us in. Even with a full house they welcomed us in and helped me through the difficult process of separation and divorce. I held onto them as my support and my rock during this time where I was full of grief. It was tough though, all of us living in one place. The more time passed while living together, I was taken back into my childhood and wrought with inferiority, I felt, once again. The space being limited and watching out for toes as we passed on through each day, I then created assumptions of those around me, revolving the world around myself as the ultimate guilty person, responsible for everyone’s misfortune, and added to an atmosphere of passive aggression. I believed I was never a good enough mother, always overstepped. I didn’t place the proper boundaries with my children and I because I felt unworthy to set them and unworthy to have a voice of my own. Also, the dreadful thought of a failed marriage made me believe I was unworthy of being loved- this then added to years of torment of other types of pain I endured in my younger adolescent years that were again brought to the forefront of my mind. I began down a descending spiral of depression, not attending my children’s needs anymore, feeling if I was to be overstepped day after day then nothing I did was good enough. I felt helpless and void- void of emotion and morals. I then began to ponder ways to kill myself to save my children from such a treacherous, worthless mother I believed I was.
It wasn’t until my great grandmother spoke to me through the storm that snapped me out of a trance-like state, a stagnant emptiness I burrowed myself into. She used my senses as a guide and revealed herself to me through the way her house smelled, randomly placed on my nose, and then her picture suddenly turned on the computer of her and her 4 young girls. It caught my eye from where I was rinsing a bowl in the kitchen sink, the computer resting on the dining room table. I stared deeply at it, my heart swirling with warmth and overwhelming love. I felt the words, “I am here.” I looked away in shock and quickly turned my head back and the computer was once again turned off the way it was before. I realized in that moment she was showing me strength. She became a single mother, too, when my great granddad whom I have never met passed away. What are the odds of such a connection as this? I always felt a strong connection between me and my great grandmother. The whole family did. She was a strong woman who received our love and more so gave her love to everyone. How could we not feel an exceptional bond with her? It just so happens I was going through something similar to her- building a life from the ground up as a single mother, taking on a tragic happening, severing security and familiarity completely to then rise from the ashes, by turning around my perspective and start new. So, she spoke to me and made her presence known in the most loving and uplifting of ways, to aid and guide me on my life mission here on earth as I raise my two young, influential girls.
I didn’t know then, but I was placed into a very important lesson that I needed to learn. Coming out of the dark place I was in and felt chained down into for eternity was but an illusion of my own doing. It took a leap of faith and dedication to the evolution of my self growth and discovery of my truth to get to where I am at this very point in time from which I am typing. In my life I have given birth to two baby girls, gone through the motions and the pain, and still come out to this conclusion: bettering myself (alongside raising two young girls) is the hardest work I’ve ever experienced! -The most painfully agonizing obstacle I have ever encountered in the 25 years I’ve lived here on earth.
What makes the pain so intense, is along this journey I had to do one thing many, many times- and that is face my ugly truth along with the good.
– ~~~~ – ~~~~ – ~~~~ – ~~~~ – ~~~~ – ~~~~ – ~~~~ –
There are 5 things on my journey that I found make life easier when facing our demons head on:
- Quit the blame game. For example: Months after my divorce I would point my opinionated finger at my ex for pretty much his entire existence on this planet. I would sit in stages, yapping my unhinged jaw about all the wrong things he did to make my life a complete misery. I was making sure he would feel the same in turn. I let him take up my entire mind, rattling around the what if’s and why’s and never focusing inward on my own. I blamed him for my unhappiness and, yes, used my girls as an excuse to push the dagger in a little more and the wool to rest over my eyes and say, look at what you’ve done! But doesn’t it take two to tango? We don’t have to answer that one. We’ll just let it sink in. The scary thing is I didn’t realize what I was doing. It wasn’t until I called bullshit when I saw this wasn’t helping or benefiting me in any way, it was instead plummeting me down to a low where I contemplated suicide. I also had two of my very best friends, both whom I love dearly, cheer me on this new journey (and both still continue to) wholeheartedly in this process of healing. That’s when I grabbed the reigns to my self will and said, okay, I will do whatever it takes to find out the truth of this thing called self love and happiness. How do I attain it? And that’s when I embarked this ascending journey. Climbing out of the dark and desolate hole, I realized a lot of things: For one, I put myself there. I dug that hole myself with my own two hands. I did the work of getting myself to an all time low in my life. Yes, I acknowledged the things that happened to me and the things that I did, but I took a look not straight at the situation this time like I used to, I brought myself up to an overhead view and looked down. I then asked, Why is it we did the things we did? Why didn’t we communicate efficiently? Why was he distant, and why was I passive aggressive? Why did we stay together for so long? Why did we settle for unhappiness? -Simply because we chose it. We chose to not take responsibility for our actions and our own lives. We weren’t living, we were just existing. Based upon what? -So we wouldn’t have to face the ugly truth of ourselves, and that we are in complete control of where we are and how we feel. And that is when the destruction came. Because matters weren’t taken back when they should have been, it blew up in our faces. And because we didn’t address the issue in the beginning, that issue being ourselves all along and not the outer force like we assumed, we ran around like chickens with their heads chopped off, around in circles we went never finding a common ground or solution to the misery and madness. I had realized that blaming solved nothing- that the only solution lies in taking responsibility for our own lives and to accept ourselves for who we are, good or bad. And from that point move forward and work inward on finding that happiness and love that we are from within.
- Life doesn’t just “happen.” Have you ever been in a situation where you’re scrambling to make everything perfect, only for something or someone to come along and kick it all up into a giant mess for you to clean up? Yes, we all have. While we are in control of where we are and how we feel in our lives, things still test us. For example: I didn’t have to move back into my parent’s, I could have bounced around, lived on the street, or found some other source of living for me and my girls. I chose to live there. At the time I thought it was my “only” option. Little did I know, this would be the place where I would gain massive soul growth and awakening to my truth of self realization. The struggles and trials I thought that were life attacking me, were actually a blessing in disguise, that then helped me become a better version of myself than I was before; and a better more aware and attentive mother to my children’s needs. I realized that things do indeed happen for a reason, not to attack us or lower us, but to help us grow.
- As above, so below. Have you ever caught yourself sitting in thought, eyebrows furrowed, thinking about how someone close to you or that even a complete stranger is preventing you from being happy and succeeding? I’m flailing my arm in the air right now, because I have! On so many occasions I have sat for minutes, hours, even driving in traffic on my way to work, directing my hate onto someone because I feel threatened by them. Thinking to myself, “They think they’re better than me,” to “they are purposefully trying to sabotage my happiness,” to “All they want to do is control and manipulate me!” And while thinking this, feeling certain I am 100% correct and “know all,” I never once go inward and ask myself (saying if all of those assumptions are true) why? Why would I allow someone to have that control over me? Why does it cause me such paranoia and stress? The answer is, because I myself am doing the same exact thing to someone that I am blaming them for. Hello!! That’s a tough pill to swallow. Didn’t I say self growth can be ugly? When we realize that the way we feel about others is actually the way we feel about ourselves, we can then start to address what it is we want to improve in ourselves to sincerely be happy, to send love inward and outward and live our lives successfully. A good friend of mine told me, “the path to healing is placing a mirror in front of you and looking within.”
- Send your “brokenness” love. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is simply seeing the whole picture; seeing reality for what it is, accepting what happens or has happened, sending it compassion and love and then letting it go. Where do you let it go to? That’s up to you. I first acknowledge the pain or the guilt and accept it as a reality, I transmute it with love and then I let it go to God. However your heart tells you and however you best release is up to you. Go within and practice releasing what it is that is surrounding your light with darkness. What I learned in discovering how to truly forgive, is that it is actually more simple than it seems. I made it seem like this challenging conquest that I wasn’t worthy enough to complete. But when I realized all I had to do was be honest with myself, acknowledge what happened and why I feel the way I do (facing myself in that painful mirror)- It was then easier to then view it from the form it once took and then release it into a beautiful butterfly, flapping its wings up and onward. Because life only ever moves forward, we are not our past, unless we choose to be. Let it go, and let it be. Send your brokenness love for the betterment of you.
- What are you waiting for? You ARE the light! It is inside of us all- the light we are that is perfect, that is love, that is joy, that is peace, that has been made in its own uniqueness and purpose to shed itself from within and outward to others. In my perspective, that part of us is a part of God, we that which have taken form as a part of him, from him. Whenever you feel at your all time low, unworthy and unloved, unable to finish the task at hand, or to change that fresh diaper that you just got done strapping onto your unstoppable child, remember who you truly are- who we all are. Remember you are not here to be unhappy, you are here for a much greater purpose- a purpose that is yours alone. You are here for a reason. For your children if you have them, and to shed your light to others so that it may uplift and enlighten those who are on the receiving end- Knowing this helps give us the hope we need to press on and look within- because within, there is light, that can be used as a guide in the darkness.
Ask yourself something today, just because you can. Ask yourself, What is it I have to offer in this life? — What we tend to forget is we are not slaves: to people or to the societal system. We are all our own bosses. We are the governors of our lives. And we ALL have a unique beautiful purpose here.
I hope that this helped you in any way gain confidence, clarity, a sense that you are never alone and strength for the time you are in.
I love you all,